I am no good at expressing frustration

In the same day that I helped you tie your shoe I also find myself wanting to yell at you to back off a little.  Do you have to stand right behind me the whole fucking time I'm trying to mix cupcakes?  I mean fine, while I wash and you dry.  But as I'm trying to cook?  Do you have to tie a bow on the apron behind me?  Do you have to organize the shelf right next to me?  Fucking back off.  Please.  Please.

Because I know that I won't be able to keep the vemon from my voice.  Not today.

Living in the future

I've found myself living in the future a lot lately.  Some day.  It's not always a bad thing, some even call it planning, but I should be more focused on the 'now'.

I've pared down my original idea of a "10,000 hour project" to starting with a 100 hour project instead.  The goal: have fun.  To play for 100 hours and just let my imagination go.  I often have my brightest flashes of fun at lunch, I think it comes from having an audience (that never use to be the case).  This last week saw the creation of "Candy Land Zombie Apocolypse", just the idea of mixing those two makes me happy.  From there it turned into a easy swap with Adventure Time since it already has a Candy Kingdom, and they've already had two zombie apocolypse episodes.

All of this has lead to the idea of not just starting a project, but finishing one.  I'll feel more accomplished if I can point to something that's complete.

More details on this later. =)

Stress Dreams

I've learned that I give myself stress dreams.  I'm not having them right now, but recently (and at least one already written about here).  They are reflections of stress I'm feeling about... anything; work, life, money, family.  And i think they were probably meant to help me but they don't.  It's always some horrible worst-case scenario that I find myself in.  Damaged car when I need it most, missing documents when I need them most, etc.  I plays into my fear of being unprepared, which is something I've put a lot of time and energy into preventing.  Money in the car for parking, money in the back, favors owed, minimal needs.  All efforts to avoid finding myself "in trouble".  After so many good examples of "bad example behavior" I've internalized a fear of being in that situation.
Being relieved to wake up and find it Saturday and not "your car is broken" is big.  But to have that type of dream repeatedly, is huge.  And I think I get why it happens, and it will certainly be a good stress indicator going forward, I just wish the dreams were friendlier, or more directly helpful.

Not be like

I've recently observed in my friends that many of them are trying to "not be like their parent(s)". Some more than other have a strong motivator of being the opposite of their parents, or trying to create the opposite environment from how they grew up. Often times leading to irrational behavior, excessive saving or hording. Which leads me to wonder if I do that myself, and if so, what specifically am I trying to 'not be like'?

Left-hand Suzuki Method

While working on a friend of my mom's home computer this weekend. She was left alone with a toddler for a while. When we got back from Target, I was watching him play with a toy she'd given him that probably shouldn't have been a toy. She noticed he was pulling on it cord with his left hand and commented that he was probably left handed. I grabbed a plastic ring from the every-baby toy (the rod with different sized rings) and handed it to him. Trying to offer it to him from his right side. He grabbed it with his left hand. "Yup," she said "left handed."
She didn't seem to imply anything from it, just and observation. I like to think that I possess non-critical observation skills too. And now see where I get some of it from. I'm not sure why, but I was deeply impressed by her.

I'm hurt

They went out partying without me, and my feelings are hurt that I wasn't included. It was even a safe bet that I'd decline. But I wasn't asked. Wow, we really have drifted apart.
I have this strange 'adult' feeling about it all. Like, "You've drifted too. You can't put all of blame on them." And I mean it too. So that tempers the hurt way more than I thought it would.

"We become close to those closest too us."

That's certainly true for me. R. And it's how I use to be with them. But now they live near each other but far (4 blocks) from me. We really are urban dwellers. =)

This wedding really will be a new chapter for me. I'm anxious for different reasons than everyone else. For me this will be another goodbye.

Why is "being me" the hardest thing I'll ever do? Odd that it actually makes a lot of other things in life rather simple. Just do them, and they're done. Simple. But when it comes to myself. I struggle. Painting - easy, pottery - easy (difficult to master), work - easy, money - easy. I need to learn the leasons of self-expression and apply them to my life.

Andrew

Do I hear shouting?

What a wonderfully cool and brisk weekend. The weather was chilly all weekend and made for great sleeping, except for the yelling.
Now the bar down on the street is often loud between 1:30-2:30am as people are leaving drunk and shouting to each other. But something else was happening this weekend that had people shouting well after that. I think it was around 4am but I was so tired I only thought "what is that?" and went back to sleep.
It's amazing the conversations that float up into the apartment. =)