Dear Politicians

Stop trying to please everyone.  It doesn't work and it's not healthy.  If you don't support something, that's fine.  But you need to say so when asked.  This "not not" supporting isn't good enough anymore.
Yes you risk not getting votes, tough.  Your job isn't to get elected; it should be to serve the people.

Please don't make me start my own campaign, you won't like it.

It will be the "yes or no" campaign.  If you can't answer a simple question with "yes or no", regardless of how I feel about the topic, you will get ignored.

Yes I know that not every topic or opinion can be answered so simply.  This is about being able to express you view.

Year of the Dragon

I've spent all of 2011 (and a little of 2012) embracing the Chinese year of the rabbit as 'my' year.  From working on being my selfish and self-centered, to finding a hair stylist I really enjoy, to buying a house for myself.  But as the end of that year is coming up, I find I'm sad that it won't be 'my' year anymore.

But it doesn't have to be that way.

The next year is Dragon.  Ever an awesome year and one I can fully embrace, and dare I say, make my own.  Dragon isn't a year to lament.  Dragon isn't just for special people.  Dragon is the height of the cycle, the fires of creation at their brightest.  That's the year for me, oh boy!

Just as I was Rabbit, so shall I be Dragon!

I am no good at expressing frustration

In the same day that I helped you tie your shoe I also find myself wanting to yell at you to back off a little.  Do you have to stand right behind me the whole fucking time I'm trying to mix cupcakes?  I mean fine, while I wash and you dry.  But as I'm trying to cook?  Do you have to tie a bow on the apron behind me?  Do you have to organize the shelf right next to me?  Fucking back off.  Please.  Please.

Because I know that I won't be able to keep the vemon from my voice.  Not today.

Living in the future

I've found myself living in the future a lot lately.  Some day.  It's not always a bad thing, some even call it planning, but I should be more focused on the 'now'.

I've pared down my original idea of a "10,000 hour project" to starting with a 100 hour project instead.  The goal: have fun.  To play for 100 hours and just let my imagination go.  I often have my brightest flashes of fun at lunch, I think it comes from having an audience (that never use to be the case).  This last week saw the creation of "Candy Land Zombie Apocolypse", just the idea of mixing those two makes me happy.  From there it turned into a easy swap with Adventure Time since it already has a Candy Kingdom, and they've already had two zombie apocolypse episodes.

All of this has lead to the idea of not just starting a project, but finishing one.  I'll feel more accomplished if I can point to something that's complete.

More details on this later. =)

Stress Dreams

I've learned that I give myself stress dreams.  I'm not having them right now, but recently (and at least one already written about here).  They are reflections of stress I'm feeling about... anything; work, life, money, family.  And i think they were probably meant to help me but they don't.  It's always some horrible worst-case scenario that I find myself in.  Damaged car when I need it most, missing documents when I need them most, etc.  I plays into my fear of being unprepared, which is something I've put a lot of time and energy into preventing.  Money in the car for parking, money in the back, favors owed, minimal needs.  All efforts to avoid finding myself "in trouble".  After so many good examples of "bad example behavior" I've internalized a fear of being in that situation.
Being relieved to wake up and find it Saturday and not "your car is broken" is big.  But to have that type of dream repeatedly, is huge.  And I think I get why it happens, and it will certainly be a good stress indicator going forward, I just wish the dreams were friendlier, or more directly helpful.

Not be like

I've recently observed in my friends that many of them are trying to "not be like their parent(s)". Some more than other have a strong motivator of being the opposite of their parents, or trying to create the opposite environment from how they grew up. Often times leading to irrational behavior, excessive saving or hording. Which leads me to wonder if I do that myself, and if so, what specifically am I trying to 'not be like'?

Left-hand Suzuki Method

While working on a friend of my mom's home computer this weekend. She was left alone with a toddler for a while. When we got back from Target, I was watching him play with a toy she'd given him that probably shouldn't have been a toy. She noticed he was pulling on it cord with his left hand and commented that he was probably left handed. I grabbed a plastic ring from the every-baby toy (the rod with different sized rings) and handed it to him. Trying to offer it to him from his right side. He grabbed it with his left hand. "Yup," she said "left handed."
She didn't seem to imply anything from it, just and observation. I like to think that I possess non-critical observation skills too. And now see where I get some of it from. I'm not sure why, but I was deeply impressed by her.

I'm hurt

They went out partying without me, and my feelings are hurt that I wasn't included. It was even a safe bet that I'd decline. But I wasn't asked. Wow, we really have drifted apart.
I have this strange 'adult' feeling about it all. Like, "You've drifted too. You can't put all of blame on them." And I mean it too. So that tempers the hurt way more than I thought it would.

"We become close to those closest too us."

That's certainly true for me. R. And it's how I use to be with them. But now they live near each other but far (4 blocks) from me. We really are urban dwellers. =)

This wedding really will be a new chapter for me. I'm anxious for different reasons than everyone else. For me this will be another goodbye.

Why is "being me" the hardest thing I'll ever do? Odd that it actually makes a lot of other things in life rather simple. Just do them, and they're done. Simple. But when it comes to myself. I struggle. Painting - easy, pottery - easy (difficult to master), work - easy, money - easy. I need to learn the leasons of self-expression and apply them to my life.

Andrew

Do I hear shouting?

What a wonderfully cool and brisk weekend. The weather was chilly all weekend and made for great sleeping, except for the yelling.
Now the bar down on the street is often loud between 1:30-2:30am as people are leaving drunk and shouting to each other. But something else was happening this weekend that had people shouting well after that. I think it was around 4am but I was so tired I only thought "what is that?" and went back to sleep.
It's amazing the conversations that float up into the apartment. =)

Strange dreams

One of the good things about having a roommate that binge eats at night, is that I find myself wanting to eat less and less. Just seeing the uncontrollable gluttony is enough lower my own appetite. Which brings me to wondering if my body has found a supply of Prozac, because the dreams I've been having are getting vivid.

Last nights dreams was about someone falling, then gliding into a college campus. Wandering around with their mini-glider under one arm. Turning around looking for stuff and ending up somewhere else. Then at some point time jumped and there were two of him. He called himself and they decided to try and find each other. I watched as one of them, still with the glider under his arm, found himself in a office. The glass door leading to a hallway read "Security Personal Only", but two people were walking by. One of the two said "He's waiting for you out front." They ended up meeting in some open social meeting area. A visitors lobby with tables. The place had a mental facility look and feel. They chatted for a while, and he realized his other self must have said they were twins. Everyone would look over and smile, like they were happy to see them sitting together.

There's more, but it's been evaporating all morning. So that's just the essence of the dream.

Dog and pony

I have a dog and pony show with work today. It's been a week or so since I've touched the material (maybe two weeks) and I'm starting to forget the details a little. So this should be an interesting meeting.

R got sick from a magic cookie last night. Poor guy. I think he might have been a little drunk on top of that. He started in with the "what's wrong with me?" mumbling that barely concious people tend to do, and I didn't know if I should even answer. Would he remember anything I said in the morning anyway? I just told him I thought he had unresolved anger issues. Which I know is rather generic and vague but I really didn't feel like nursing him anyway.

And.... my eye is twitching from stress. But it should be better by lunchtime when my meetings over. "Just remember, fake it until you make it!" ;)

The rushing feeling

I'm having that rushing feeling like life is go by too fast. That I'm not taking advantage of my youth and the years are slipping by. I think it may be a fear affect of stress, since I just had a high stress moment at work. Now that I'm breathing again everything doesn't seem so bad. But the lingering feeling of time wasted is still with me.

I'm still painting and think I may actually keep this one up. I think, for me, I've learned a trick about it. Fake it. I'm not a great painter, maybe not even a good one. But if I fake it, it appears as confidence. I think the phrase is "fake it until you make it." While I was driving home this weekend I was trying to think of what to paint next, and I've decided to do a painting "for me". Which seems like such a novel idea, and so foreign from my usually process.

I woke up Saturday from a strong dream. Most of the story is forgotten by now, but the feeling is still with me. And waking up and being happy it was all a dream is such a new sensation for me. It's like the Prozac dreams of yore had visited me. I'd helped someone get home and had fallen asleep at there place. Then the next morning I went outside and couldn't find my car anywhere. I walked around the neighborhood with my FOB clicking it looking for a response. Only to find two other cars in a garage that responsed to my clicks but weren't my car. I was then forced to scrape up bus fare to make trek home so I could report it stolen. "no good deed goes unpunished"? That wasn't my first thought, but I guess it fits. I think it was more a feeling of being alone. This dream being only slightly better than one days before where I was giving myself different math problems to solve.

With ages comes

I have a social fear of going to new places to talk to strangers about stuff I'm unsure of. Like, my car. The 'check engine' light has been coming on every so often, more lately, and I can't let myself ignore it. (nor should I, I know, I know).

But... the prospect of going to a garage and asking for help I find scary.

Fortunately, doing things that scare me is one of my resolutions. So... I called today and brought my car in to have them take a look. Once I got there everything was okay. It's really helped in the last few years that as I've gotten older, the people that work at these places have either gotten slightly younger and most are now younger than me. If the person behind the counter is younger than me... I'm set. All I can think is "phsss, I got this."

So, phew, that's underway.

Resolutions

I've asked Sarah to do another painting for me. One with some more resolutions. She's made some of my resolutions into paintings before, but this will be the first time it's been planned.

So far I have...

I will... embrace my atheism.
connect with my grandmothers.
pursue things that scare me.
make paper from junk mail.

These seem to fit a running theme among the previous sets. A crafts, a relative, a personal belief, and a personal behavior. It's still missing an animal idea though.

I've asked for a vermillion background, though I'm not sure what that color is supposed to signify. I'd just finally learned what color it is (always thought it a green color), and there was a great image of a lot of archways all that color that inspired me.